Death Cab for Carrie

no.

2009-08-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

I woke up at five and can't go back to sleep. I have to clean my room and get everything organized. My Ramones poster refused to stay on my wall. Every night I'd hear it peeling off the wall just above my head...so this morning I stuck push pins in it. And now the symmetry is off. Because the Audrey poster doesn't have push pins...but the Elvis one does. I might be slightly insane.

Tonight I'm supposed to be going out drinking. Tonight I'm also supposed to go to a party. Either one involves drinking but I'm taking Option A. I don't really even like drinking all that much. Especially with dumb drunks. Ha. Allison and I had jello shots on 4th of July. We were home alone after the fireworks and decided it would be a good time to get a little tipsy. We were dancing and laughing and having a lot of fun and then I heard car doors and we had to act normal around my parents. It's good that we've got a history of acting dumb around each other or they might have suspected something. ;)

I'm trying really hard to stay awake and what song does my CD player decide to toss my way? I Need Some Sleep by The Eels. Nice.

Yesterday was the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. :) Yay hippies!

I can't really bring myself to regret anything. My thinking process is really weird. That CD is skipping really bad and it's bothering me. I have to fix that.

xo.

fuck.

2009-08-14T04:56:00.000-07:00

I feel like screaming.

Infinite. :)

2009-07-31T23:40:00.000-07:00

Snow + Vancouver + Halloween + Broomfield + Next year + Salvation Mountain = A very very happy Carrie Jo. :)

fuck.

2009-07-25T21:03:00.001-07:00

that's all.

begin-

2009-07-22T13:26:00.000-07:00

i don't know if i want to start school this fall

well isn't this nice.

i promised you i'd never give up

2009-07-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

'if it makes you happy,
it can't be that bad,
if it makes you happy,
then why the hell are you so sad?'

i've got to call about my job in like two hours.
i need to shower and wash off yesterday's make up.
ugh. i hate sleeping in make up. but sometimes you
just can't help it. if you're me. which you aren't. damn.
i'm rambling. :)

God, i just waisted fifteen minutes.
i don't even remember what i've been doing.
i hate when that happens.

<3

2009-07-16T22:45:00.000-07:00

give it back give it back give it back give it back give it back.

dot.

2009-07-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

When I see pictures of myself from last year I feel like I'm staring at a stranger.

about my heart...

2009-07-15T19:26:00.000-07:00

it's a little bruised but you can have it if you want.

Walls and such.

2009-07-12T23:49:00.000-07:00

He didn't really do anything wrong. Not really.
Except for maybe choosing to not to anything wrong with me.
The girl who can't trust worth shit and convinced myself that,
at fourteen, even when I said no it wasn't rape because he's your seventeen-year-old boyfriend, which makes it okay.
I'm the girl who's more scars than skin in some places.

It's funny, the first guy I decide to give a crumb of my heart to in two and a half years is the one that's catching shit because of my past.

Why am I so fucked up? Did I do it to myself? Probably. I guess maybe I deserved it.
Whatever.

:)

2009-07-06T14:17:00.000-07:00

Who else am I going to live in a shitty apartment with and eat cold chinese food and drive across the country and paint and have inside jokes with?

Inside-,

2009-07-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

I feel like there a tornado spinning around.

Yesterday I discovered how awful my trust issues actually are. While contemplating that I also realized that my personality is a cross between Shelby Merrick (of Higher Ground) and Rayanne Graff (of My So Called Life). And after that thought flitted across my mind I couldn't help but think about how painfully true it is.

We'll take Shelby first:

"I once thought I loved a guy, who only hurt me."

"I am so tired of hating you. So this is the end, no more hate, no more anger. Just some justice."

"I don't want to do the wrong thing, my whole life I've done the wrong thing."

"Every day I stand in the shower and I think, 'What a waste'. Because I'll never get clean."

(while making out with her boyfriend, Scott) "How come every time I wanna talk all you wanna do is this?" -Scott// "Well, this is so much more fun." -Shelby (she doesn't want to talk because she doesn't want him to know about her past, which is where the conversations always try to lead to.)

"You're wearing a mask." -Daisy// "That's a good one coming from Goth girl." -Shelby// "My mask was an honest one for all the world to see. Yours is invisible." -Daisy

"What are you doing in here?" -Daisy// "Hiding." -Shelby// "From what?" -Daisy// "Life." -Shelby

Rayanne:

"I've never really hurt somebody this bad before. Hard to believe, but I guess you can't really hurt someone this bad...unless you really meant something to them...."

"Sometimes I feel like numb or something." -Rayanne// "Maybe you just haven't found the right type of person." -Sharon// "I've tried every type of person." - Rayanne

"Potential slut. Now where do people get an idea like that about me?"

"Did you ever try to protect someone so much that it, like, hurt?" -Rickie about Rayanne

"See, when I look at myself I see everything in slow motion and I think 'Something has to happen', only it never does. So I have to make it happen."

It only hurts when I remember that I miss you.

2009-07-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

& I wish saying sorry was enough.

I'd say it a hundred times a day if

it made any difference at all. :(

I want my best friend back. SO bad.

Extraordinary.

2009-06-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

I'm here alone for most of the day. Cleaning and dancing around to disco music. That's right, disco. And I'm perfectly happy, giddy even. Then I hear the lock turning and my parents emerge, they aren't even here for an entire minute and my good mood is gone because of their complaints and nagging.

Since I'm in a bad mood and I'm 17 I am going to dissect this. I hate cleaning. But I was doing it happily. I don't know why, but usually when I'm forced to clean when they're around, nothing much gets done. Because they're always there telling me how to do it or wouldn't it work better if...probably, but I like doing things my way. When I'm home alone I can play whatever music I want to play as loud as I want to play it and clean things however I want to clean them. As long as it gets done why does it matter how you do it?

Heart of glass.

2009-06-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

I feel like if my head was cracked open then mush would just dribble out. I'm so tired. I was in bed by 10:30 and waiting on Craig Ferguson to come on but I fell asleep before. I woke up at 3 after a strange dream involving star wars, secret agents, and high school.

Why am I listening to Blondie?

Why aren't you listening to Blondie?

"I got soul but I'm not a soldier."

2009-06-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

I dyed my hair back brown. It wasn't worth arguing with Pops daily about it, just like I've let the new tattoo thing go. At least until I'm 18. We've been fighting about it for days. He showed me a website about Christianity and tattoos and how tattoos originated from witchcraft. It also had the scripture: Leviticus 19:28 Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you.

Except on the website it said nor print tattoo marks upon you, which is not worded like that in any of my bibles, my mom even said she's never read the word tattoo in the bible. Now, this is a scripture I showed him a few months ago that Andy, my youth pastor, showed us. Leviticus is in the OT and this passage is referencing the people putting marks of idol gods on them, which is where the sin is. I don't think Jesus or God hates tattoos and I know He doesn't love us any less for them.

I'm still a little conflicted about whether I will add anymore to my body because I'm not finished asking questions and reading scripture. I looked up Christian tattoo artists and was pleasantly surprised to discover quite a few, they aren't quite as common as other tattoo artists but they're out there. :)

This girl has "TELL THEM" tattoooed on her wrist and I think that's great, she said she gets asked about it all the time and it's provided her with a broader opportunity at witnessing. I think that's a really great idea.

I get tattooes because they'll be there forever. They remind me of happiness, my faith, and rough moments in my past and serve as a reminder not to let myself get back there. I like religious tattoos and I want to get one to cover the scars on my wrist. Why would I want to cut through a piece of art? I don't know. I wish he was cooler with tattoos, Jess is working at Voodoo now and could do mine for free. Sucks.

Nathan will be hiring at the shop again next year for Piercer/Tattoo apprentices and I'm gonna throw my name in the hat. I'll tell Pops I'm working at Starbucks. Hourly + tips would help put me through school.

GED on the 7th. Wish me luck.

I found a pair of scrunch boots and a white playsuit that I'm absolutely in love with. Also, I finally found my hot pink fishnets and I'm wearing them every chance I get. I need a job like ASAP. Betsey Johnson is calling my name.

xo.

carrie

Oh where, Oh where...?

2009-06-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

I don't know either.

Quick!

2009-06-02T16:20:00.000-07:00

I really don't like TV. It kills brain cells.

Oh, dear.

little girls depend on things like that.

2009-05-29T19:25:00.001-07:00

I'm finally 100%, completely happy.

I know what you're thinking....

2009-05-17T12:54:00.001-07:00

My knee jerk reaction to thinking about you is immediately wanting to get drunk. :(

Please, please...go haunt someone else.

Ess See

2009-05-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

Got to South Carolina Friday around noon, had lunch at Logan's, went to Ally's softball game, then got lost trying to find Relay for Life, decided there were too many bugs about to stay all night at Relay4L., but walked for the cause and then came back to Ally's with Brooke and Kristen.

Yesterday had Brittany's baby shower...that was fun. Tiring, but fun. & This morning got up to go to the flea market, I thought it was kind of boring until we came to this booth filled with records. Amazing. He had cartons of records for like a buck a piece...ended up only buying a Billy Joel and John Denver because we were pressed for time. It made me soo sad, I was looking for The Doors and some Zeppelin...hoping I can go back. The guy said he'd sell me Billy Joel's entire discography for $25.

I was supposed to leave for home an hour and a half ago but decided to stay until Thursday night. Looking forward to Six Flags this weekend :).

Ugh. I need to do F.

Energy,orlackthereof.

2009-05-14T04:45:00.000-07:00

Babysitting. Today. Like a genius I decided to stay up all night.

Last week she refused to speak to me for like an hour because I made her finish watching Annie, after she picked it out and watched 3/4 of the movie. Crazy, cooky kid. I'm going to hide the Cinderella 3 DVD as well as Barbie as Rapunzel. I used to like those movies, now I'll be fine if I don't ever have to watch them again.

Exactly ten days later.

2009-04-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

My computer got sick. My apologies. I was going to write ten mini-blogs detailing what I did on the days that my computer was on the fritz but I decided against it. So, I'm going to blog every day in May. Yeah. It's my birth month anyway, it'll be more exciting.

I did write this blog on Friday, though:

"Today was my unbirthday. Maybe it was yours too, if so Happy Unbirthday. The past two weeks I’ve been trapped in this hazy fog of borderline depression. I’ve been severely depressed before and now, since I recognize the signs it’s like I stand on the shore instead thrash in the water. The events leading to my toes digging in that muddy bed involve three best friends, a betrayal, a boy, and trust issues. Make of it what you will. I’m sure the imagined versions will be much juicier than the live action version but I digress.

I was told to get out of bed and get ready to head into town with my mother, so I did just that figuring we had errands to run, a stop at the grocery store, maybe the bank…the usual. But when she reappeared she told me we had to celebrate my unbirthday. Color me suspicious.

Deciding that the fast food restaurant I chose for lunch was still a bit too clogged from the lunch hour we opted to go to Old Navy to pass the time instead. It’s a shocking day when I enter Old Navy and discover everything on display is hideous. Still, I managed to find a few cute things and some new flip flops. Bag in hand, we glanced at the line still wrapped around the grease hut and tried to waste a bit more time by stopping in at Books-A-Million.

Unfortunately they didn’t carry my Listography book and I didn’t feel like putting the effort out to explain what it is and where to order it from…that’s what Fred Flare is for. As I perused the shelves in the photography section, almost buying The Fashion Book but deciding against it after several minutes of deliberation, and discovering that while my love of Andy Warhol and all things pop culture runs deep it isn’t fifty dollars deep. My love for The Beatles on the other hand does run $19.97 deep. I also stopped to try and find the Vonnegut section, which I did to my elation.

We left there with a canvas bag of Beatles and Slaughterhouse Five goodness.

After lunch we stopped at the mall. Where I had a surprise. I was very nervous about this surprise, seeing as how Boy from my standing-on-the-shore days works there. She gave me two hints. Alice and Wonderland. Purple and White.

It didn’t take long for me to figure out she’d gotten me a giant Unbirthday cookie cake. I was pleased to see the icing spelling out: Happy Unbirthday, Carrie Jo in purple icing. I can only imagine the strange look she got while ordering it. Sadly, not many people are familiar with unbirthdays. Pity.

On the way home we ranted about my pointless teenage drama.

After consuming a slice of my cookie I grabbed a beach towel, Vonnegut, and some Sour Patch Kids and headed out to the back yard where I contemplated death, time, Tralfamadorians, and why they always put loads of yellow kids in the packs of Sour Patch Kids and four or five red kids. So it goes. "

So there's that. I've begun reading once more, because depression isn't going to take that interest from me anymore. No sir.

8 Days Late.

2009-04-08T19:01:00.001-07:00

Punctuality has never been my strong suit, but at least I'm jumping on the bandwagon now. I must admit when MJ posted her aspirations to blog every day in April I was a mixture of excited and skeptical. I mean...blogging...every day? It sounded fun and I had the fleeting thought that I should start another blog specifically for that purpose...and then I found a slew of hello kitty products that I never knew about and that totally seized my mind for a hot minute.

But I'm here now. Maybe I'll blog eight days into May to make up for being late. Yessir.

I really want that tattooed on my back. Really freaking bad. I've already got one blackbird, it matches the one at the top lefthand corner.

I don't have to work tomorrow. Yay! So, there will be a longer blog. Consider this my "heyi'mdoingthis" blog.

Peace.